Unkle Munky Pg 30
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit." ---- ---- Munky in Love. …your outdated record collection is so gay Munky features! Fcuk Off Bumton! ---- Denise from Finchley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my letter marked with blood? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Denise, I did indeed receive your letter marked with blood. I would have replied far earlier but I feared infection and therefore felt it necessary to await the arrival of my legal advisor, Ms. Emma Bumton. Why oh why she assumed that I was giving her Boxing day off is, to be quite frank, beyond my comprehension. As your mail verifies, agony does not miraculously cease to exist simply because it is Xmas! As to your problem, ‘Oxy Vanish’ is extremely efficient at removing all kinds of stains and I would have no qualms in recommending said product for your husband’s new shirt. Family disputes often arise at this time of the year and I am sure that, coma permitting, you will both be able to put the frenzied stabbing incident behind you and enjoy the ensuing New year festivities. May I suggest that you bestow the gift of vouchers next year? He is obviously very fussy with regards to his clothing and your somewhat violent reaction towards his innocent air of dissatisfaction with said gift leads me to believe that perhaps avoidance is the only way forward for you both. ---- *A '''memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor) Ref. Knickers. Dear Unkle Munky, those knickers that you gave me for Xmas are far too big! Do you still have the receipt? Unkle Munky says -''' Really? I would have sworn they were too small. I will check down the back of my sofa for said receipt when I get home. ''Ms. Bumton replies - Fcukin’ useless!'' ---- Russ from Manchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend gave me a cock-ring for Xmas? I do not own, and have no intentions of acquiring a chicken and was therefore wondering what the fcuk I am meant to do with it!? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Russ, this certainly is a strange Xmas gift anomaly and no mistake. I can only assume that your girlfriend is keen on keeping chickens and perhaps purchased said cock-ring as a hint of her intentions to transform your garden into a thriving egg producing concern. ''Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Fer fcuks sake…'' ---- *A '''memo from Unkle Munky to Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor) Ref. Snide remarks. Dear Ms. Bumton, I realise that Xmas is over and that you may, as a result, be feeling somewhat deflated. Please be aware that you are not the only person expected to work over the Xmas period. Your continual snide remarks have not gone unnoticed and I would appreciate a little more respect. I am, after all, Britain’s number one agony primate! Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Arse crack, being Britain’s number one agony primate is hardly anything to write home about when you consider that the total number in existence is absolutely bugger all! If you must know, thanks to you and your ridiculous schedule I had a shit Xmas. You allowed me approximately two hours on Xmas eve to do all of my shopping, one hour of which I spent defending myself against your revolting hairy gob and a rotting cauliflower (which, incidentally, is not a suitable alternative for mistletoe in anyone’s book)! Forgive me if I am not full of the joys of spring but, as it is the middle of winter and I am stuck with a musky smelling munky in an office that resembles a secure enclosure, it is difficult to be anything but snide, vindictive and bitter! And now, if you don’t mind, I have turkey soup to consume and pink nail varnish to apply! ---- Swimming with... Ian from Selby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my sister is currently rather ill and has been given, by her doctor, between two and three years left to live. Can you suggest anything that may help to either prolong or enrich her ebbing existence? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Ian, I am sorry to hear about your sister’s situation. There are many things that you can do to help make her remaining years more memorable. Perhaps you might consider a fund raising effort to help finance a few treats? Swimming with sharks always seems to be a favourite amongst the terminally ill. I hope this helps. *A '''memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor) Ref. Swimming with sharks? Jeezus Munky! You are a positive liability and no mistake! Advising anyone, let alone a terminally ill young lady, to swim with sharks is idiotic in the extreme. I assume that you meant to say ‘Dolphins’? Unkle Munky replies -''' Yes, dolphins. That’s another good idea. You see Ian, there are numerous events that you can organise for your sister. Well done Ms. Bumton. ''Ms. Bumton says - I give up.'' ---- Derek from Mersyside asks - Dear Unkle Munky, does that Oxy Vanish work on girlfriends? Mine has been giving me earache all bastard Xmas and, to be quite frank, I could do with a break! 'Unkle Munky replies -' Dear Derek, don’t tell me - you gave her the gift of knickers and they were too big? My legal advisor, Ms. Emma Bumton, has been pulling her face for days now because I misjudged the dimensions of her ample buttocks. It is not my fault that her arse is so deceiving! With regards to your question - Earlier I caught Ms. Bumton unawares and sprayed her with a liberal amount of said product. Sadly, she did not disappear. In fact her presence seems positively magnified. She has not stopped moaning since I conducted the aforementioned experiment. Perhaps that ‘Clit-Bang’ stuff might do the job? Good luck. *A '''memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor) Ref. Clit Bang You really are a wanker Unkle Munky! Advising people to use chemical cleaning agents on their partners in the hope that they will disappear is verging on the criminally insane. You could have blinded me earlier, you stupid hairy fcuker! And it is ‘Cillit Bang’, not ‘Clit Bang’! Idiot! ---- Boys Allowed... *The lovely 'Girls Aloud' Steve from Chesterfield asks - Dear Unkle Munky, who is your favourite out of ‘Girls Aloud’? Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) butts in - Oh here we go. What the fcuk does this have to do with agony!? *A memo from Unkle Munky to Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor) Ref. Agony Column Duties. Dear Ms. Bumton, I would appreciate it greatly if you would leave the agonising queries to my good self! Please remember your position here at Munky HQ! Presuming to know the difference between torment and tranquillity is most unbecoming in one so fair. As a naive lady, you have no idea of the internal pains that men can suffer when faced with a bevy of beauties. I am willing to admit, for Steve’s benefit, that my favourite member of ‘Girls Aloud’ is Ms. Cheryl Tweedy. However, to show that I am a fair munky, Ms. Bumton, I am willing to substitute the planned jpeg of said Ms. Tweedy for a jpeg of your choice. Who is your favourite boyband and which member in particular gives you the hots? Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) replies - Well this is a pleasant surprise and no mistake. My favourite boyband has to be Westlife. They are all dreamy, but my favourite is probably Shane. Thank you Unkle Munky. Perhaps you are not quite the shit that I thought you were? *The lovely Shane from westlife. Ms. Bumton adds - That’s Shane MacGowan from The Pogues you tit! ---- John from Harrow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, on New Years Eve I am planning on coming out to my parents and, with this in mind, I was wondering if you could perhaps offer me any advice? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear John, going out with your parents should not be too difficult? I am sure that the conversation will eventually flow, just like the beer. You have given me very little information and so the reason for your reticence is somewhat unclear. I am sure, however, that your concerns will soon dissipate as the revelry swells. Have a lovely time and a very Happy New Year. *A '''memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor) Ref. Coming out, not ‘going out’ Fer fcuk’s sake Munky! John from Harrow was asking how he should approach the issue of informing his parents that he is gay! You really are a complete waste of column inches! Unkle Munky replies -''' Dear Ms. Bumton, once again I must thank you for highlighting my mistakes (though to be quite frank, the tone of your correspondence leaves a lot to be desired). This puts a whole new complexion on things and no mistake. I do have one gay friend who might be able to help, but he is currently playing the part of a dancing queen in the hit Abba musical, ‘Munky Mia’. The only suggestion I can therefore make, without professional counsel, is that John perhaps attend the aforementioned New Year celebration in a tightly fitting white T-shirt and a pair of leather chaps (like what the cowboys wear). I hope this helps. ''Ms. Bumton adds - Not only fcuking useless but also highly offensive. What a wanker!'' ---- Quad bypass... Stanley from Leighton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you buy the coco-pops munky a Xmas present? 'Unkle Munky replies -' Dear Stanley, buying the coco-pops monkey a xmas present would have only added fuel to the fires currently burning in the twisted imaginations of those who have my worst interests at heart! I categorically deny any connections with said primate and, for the sake of those who should know better, I repeat - I did not have sexual relations with that monkey’s mother! *A '''memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor) Dear skid mark, you might be interested to note that I sent the cute little fella a gift on your behalf. You owe me nine hundred and ninety nine quid! ---- Lee from Coventry asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have just purchased a ‘two man’ tent in the Pre-January sales and was wondering if this means that my girlfriend will have to sleep outside when we go camping? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Lee, I think we can safely assume that said tent is designed with men in mind and that, for health and safety reasons, your girlfriend would be best advised to sleep beneath the stars. *Ms. Bumton adds - No woman in her right mind would want to get into a tent with you anyway Munky boy!''' ---- Next... Previous... Return to Munky Menu...